球隊棒劇本 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ●為甲 ○為乙 ◎為兩人共同台詞 ○嘿! ●你知道我這頂帽子啊! ○我知道啊! ●紀念帽, 限量發行的. 哈哈! ○很難看得到?! ●台灣?版啊! ○你能收集到很不簡單啊! ●你看起來是個棒球迷哦… ○哦！我是標準棒球迷 ●我也是個棒球迷，你好。 ○你好你好！ ●跟你打聽一件事哦！聽說有一個棒球隊要獨立於兩個聯盟之外成立的這件事你有沒有聽過？ ○當然有呀！ ●那你可不可以跟我講這個球隊的名字呀？ ○棒球隊 ●呃，對對對對對，我就是要知道它的名字。 ○棒球隊呀！ ●對阿，我就是要知道這個球隊的名字啊! ○棒球隊呀！ ●對呀！我就是要知道這個棒球隊的名字！ ○棒球隊棒球隊！ ●你說這個球隊他就叫棒球隊棒球隊？ ○對呀！棒球隊棒球隊 ●為什麼取這麼怪的名字哦？ ○它的名字怪, 但你不覺得它蠻直接的嗎? 我們一聽到棒球隊棒球隊, 就知道它是打棒球, 不是踢足球的. ●你說的很有道理啊! 哈!哈! ○我告訴你他們不只隊名怪，隊員的外號更怪！ ●哦! ○你知道現在職棒的球員, 他們都喜歡取個外號! ●我知道啊! ○真得知道? ●哎呀! 我當然知道. ○考你. ●來來來來! ○盜帥 ●林易增 ○小飛俠 ●呂文生 ○火車頭 ●涂隆欽 ○東方特快車 ●張瓊姿 ○啊? ●那個那那是他老婆, 郭泰源 ○那再來, 棒球先生. ●李居明 ○亞洲巨砲 ●呂明賜 ○假日摧花手 ●陳... 啊? 現在還有個摧花手啊? ○呵呵! 假日飛刀手啦! ●哎 ○差不多啦! ●什麼差不多, 差多了好不好啊! ○口誤, 口誤, 口誤. ●什麼口誤, 我看你是可惡. 不過你剛說的這些職棒球員外號, 真是夠酷的. ○真的! 現在有點本事的球員啊, 都會取一個很ㄅ一ㄤㄥ的外號來取代他們的名字. ●對對! 外號就等於名字 ○棒球隊棒球隊也是這樣子 ●哦! ○對呀! ●那你可不可以跟我講這些球員的名字呀？ ○是外號！ ●啊都一樣啦！ ○棒球隊棒球隊哦 ●m ○誰在一壘，什麼在二壘，三壘我不知道 ●啊？！ ○誰在一壘，什麼在二壘，三壘我不知道 ●你…可不可以再說一遍？ ○誰在一壘，什麼在二壘，三壘我不知道 ●你真的知道這些球員？ ○對呀！ ●好，那你告訴我是誰在守一壘？ ○對呀！ ●不是，我的意思是一壘手的名字叫… ○誰 ●一壘上那個人哪！ ○誰呀 ●棒球隊棒球隊守一壘的那個傢伙！ ○誰在一壘 ●你問我幹嘛？ ○我沒有問你，我在告訴你, 誰在一壘. ● 好好好，我不管你問我還是我問你哦，這個棒球隊棒球隊一壘 上面有沒有個一壘手？ ○當然有呀！ ●好！你告訴我是誰在守一壘？ ○對呀！ ●呃…那個…我…這位先生，我這樣問好了，每個月到月底呀， 棒球隊棒球隊要發薪水給一壘手的時候是誰拿到錢？ ○每一塊都是被他拿走的啊！那本來就是應該給他的啊！ ●給誰？ ○對呀！ ●我的意思是誰拿到？ ○他幹嘛不拿？哦！…當然有的時候是他太太幫他拿的啦… ●誰的太太呀？ ○對呀！他賺錢很辛苦而！ ●我的媽！誰賺的呀？ ○對呀！ ●呃這位先生，我現在只想很單純的了解一件事情，就是一壘手的名字叫什麼？ ○哦…不對不對，什麼在二壘 ●我沒有問你誰在二壘！ ○誰在一壘！ ●這正是我想知道的呀！ ○那你就不要隨便調動他的守備位置啊！ ●我沒有亂調動任何人！ ○你不要生氣嘛…我們不是在聊天嗎？ ●對不起哦，這位先生我只想知道一壘手的名字叫什麼？ ○二壘手的名字叫什麼！ ●我沒有問你誰在二壘！ ○誰在一壘！ ●我不知道！ ○三壘！…呃…我們先不要扯到三壘好不好？ ●我怎麼會扯到三壘啦！ ○你剛才講的啊！ ●不不不！如果我要講的話我會問守三壘的是誰！ ○不對不對！你應該搞清楚誰在一壘！ ●好，那你告訴我一壘手的名字叫什麼？ ○什麼在二壘 ●我沒有問你誰在二壘！ ○誰在一壘！ ●我不知道！ ○三壘！！！ ●我怎麼又回到三壘了？ ○你自己講的呀！跟你講是誰就是誰… ●好… ○什麼就是什麼… ●好、好… ○我不知道就是我不知道… ●好！算我錯可不可以呀！可不可以請你先在三壘待一下？ ○沒問題∼你有什麼問題還是可以問的啦… ●請你告訴我三壘手的名字叫什麼？ ○二壘手的名字叫什麼！ ●我沒有問你誰在二壘 ○誰在一壘！ ●我不知道！ ◎三壘！ ●我今天碰到地雷了我！ ○我今天碰到怪獸了… ●好！這隊有外野嗎？ ○當然有！ ●那你告訴我左外野手的名字 ○呃…為什麼… ●我只是想知道一下呀！ ○所以我跟你說啦！ ●好那請你跟我說是誰在守左外野？ ○誰在一壘嘛！ ●你拜託！你不要再扯到內野了好不好！ ○你自己扯到一壘的啊！ ●不是我只是想知道左外野手的名字叫什麼？ ○什麼在二壘嘛！ ●我沒有問你誰在二壘！ ○誰在一壘！ ●我不知道！ ◎三壘！ ●我今天回不了家了我… ○我今天注定要在這裡陪他了… ●這位先生麻煩你告訴我左外野手的名字 ○為．什．麼！ ●為什麼？因為… ○因為他在中外野… ●因為他在中外野？ ○因為他在中外野！ ●我他媽的他會在中外野！ ○喂喂喂！你的帽子很特別不要亂丟… ●這位先生 ○不用客氣 ●我不是在跟你客氣！ ○那你不要生氣 ●這隊有投手嗎？ ○當然有投手，沒有投手哪能叫棒球隊？ ●你告訴我投手的明字 ○明天。 ●你現在不願意告訴我？ ○我願意告訴你，我跟你講明天啦！ ●那什麼時候？ ○什麼什麼時候？ ●你明天什麼時候告訴我誰在投球！ ○你搞清楚了沒有，誰不是投手，誰是…… ●閉嘴！如果你再跟我說誰在一壘我就把你手給掰斷！ ○那你幹嘛要問嘛… ●不是！我只想知道投手的名字叫什麼！ ○什麼在二壘嘛！ ●我不知道！ ◎三壘！ ●我一不知道就跑到三壘去了… ○大家都知道他在三壘嘛… ●這隊有捕手嗎…廢話沒有捕手投手投球沒人接了… 你告訴我捕手的名字！ ○今天 ●今天當捕手，明天去投球？那後天呢？ ○沒後天啦！ ●我看這球隊沒幾天好混了！ ○喂！你不能這麼講，他們的守備位置陣容滿堅強的。 ●好好，我這樣問好了，假如我是個捕手，來一個打擊者打出一個短打，呃我是捕手嘛！我有責任把他封殺在一壘，所以我把球撿起來，丟給…誰？ ○嗚∼∼∼哇∼∼∼這是你今天講出來第一句對的話！ ●我說對什麼啦？ ○這樣就對了，繼續說繼續說！ ●把球丟到一壘，那麼誰接到？ ○當然！ ●誰接到？ ○當然！ ●當然？呵呵，好了，懂了懂了…我把球撿起來，投給當然！ ○不對！你要把球撿起來丟給一壘！ ●那麼誰接到？ ○當然！ ●那就對啦！我說我把球撿起來，丟給當然！ ○不對，你應該把球撿起來丟給誰！ ●當然！ ○哎…你愛怎麼說就怎麼說吧！ ●我就這樣說的呀！ ○你怎麼說？ ●我說我把球撿起來，投給當然！ ○不對，你應該把球撿起來丟給誰！ ●當然！ ○唉… ●喂你不要嘆氣好不好！我都快搞懂了，我說我把球撿起來，丟給當然呀！ ○不對∼∼∼你應該把球撿起來，丟給一壘！ ●那麼誰接到？ ○當然！ ●這就是我的意思嘛！ ○就不是這個意思嘛！ ●這位先生我剛講的非常清楚哦！我說我把球撿起來丟給當然！ ○不對！你應該把球丟給誰！ ●當然！ ○好好好！你愛怎麼說就怎麼！ ● 什麼叫我愛怎麼說就怎麼說！我都是跟著你講的都 是你告訴我的我講錯了嗎？ ○好好好…你別激動別激動 ●我就說我把球丟到一壘呀！ ○那麼誰接到呀！誰呀！誰呀！ ●我管他是誰接到我他媽的最好不要給我漏接！ ○好好好…別生氣別生氣，我們已經很有進展了！ ●有進展了嗎？ ○一點點啦… ●好！我這樣問好了，假如現在來一個強打者，打擊出去又高又 遠中外野的高飛球，你告訴我是誰把他給接殺了！ ○誰把他給接殺了？誰能把他給接殺了？誰怎樣也不可能把他給接殺了， 你搞清楚了沒有誰．在．一．壘！ ●你怎麼又問我誰在一壘呀！我不管啦！ ○哦…這不關他的事，他是遊擊手… ●游擊手？！天啊！ ○天啊？天啊是裁判！ Abbott and Costello's "Who's on First?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Abbott: Alright, now whaddya want? Costello: Now look, I'm the head of the sports department. I gotta know the baseball players' names. Do you know the guys' names? Abbott: Oh sure. Costello: So you go ahead and tell me some of their names. Abbott: Well, I'll introduce you to the boys. You know sometimes nowadays they give ballplayers peculiar names. Costello: You mean funny names. Abbott: Nicknames, pet names, like Dizzy Dean - Costello: His brother Daffy - Abbott: Daffy Dean - Costello: And their cousin! Abbott: Who's that? Costello: Goofy! Abbott: Goofy, huh? Now let's see. We have on the bags - we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third. Costello: That's what I wanna find out. Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third - Costello: You know the fellows' names? Abbott: Certainly! Costello: Well then who's on first? Abbott: Yes! Costello: I mean the fellow's name! Abbott: Who! Costello: The guy on first! Abbott: Who! Costello: The first baseman! Abbott: Who! Costello: The guy playing first! Abbott: Who is on first! Costello: Now whaddya askin' me for? Abbott: I'm telling you Who is on first. Costello: Well, I'm asking YOU who's on first! Abbott: That's the man's name. Costello: That's who's name? Abbott: Yes. Costello: Well go ahead and tell me. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy on first. Abbott: Who! Costello: The first baseman. Abbott: Who is on first! Costello: Have you got a contract with the first baseman? Abbott: Absolutely. Costello: Who signs the contract? Abbott: Well, naturally! Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money? Abbott: Every dollar. Why not? The man's entitled to it. Costello: Who is? Abbott: Yes. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. Costello: Who's wife? Abbott: Yes. Costello: All I'm tryin' to find out is what's the guy's name on first base. Abbott: Oh, no - wait a minute, don't switch 'em around. What is on second base. Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second. Abbott: Who is on first. Costello: I don't know. Abbott: He's on third - now we're not talkin' 'bout him. Costello: Now, how did I get on third base? Abbott: You mentioned his name! Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third? Abbott: No - Who's playing first. Costello: Never mind first - I wanna know what's the guy's name on third. Abbott: No - What's on second. Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second. Abbott: Who's on first. Costello: I don't know. Abbott: He's on third. Costello: Aaah! Would you please stay on third base and don't go off it? Abbott: What was it you wanted? Costello: Now who's playin' third base? Abbott: Now why do you insist on putting Who on third base? Costello: Why? Who am I putting over there? Abbott: Yes. But we don't want him there. Costello: What's the guy's name on third base? Abbott: What belongs on second. Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second. Abbott: Who's on first. Costello: I don't know. Abbott & Costello: THIRD BASE! Costello: You got an outfield? Abbott: Oh yes! Costello: The left fielder's name? Abbott: Why. Costello: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you. Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell you. Costello: Alright, then tell me who's playin' left field. Abbott: Who is playing fir- Costello: STAY OUTTA THE INFIELD! I wanna know what's the left fielder's name. Abbott: What's on second. Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second. Abbott: Who's on first. Costello: I don't know. Abbott & Costello: THIRD BASE! Costello: The left fielder's name? Abbott: Why. Costello: Because! Abbott: Oh, he's center field. Costello: Look, you gotta pitcher on this team? Abbott: Now wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher. Costello: The pitcher's name. Abbott: Tomorrow. Costello: You don't wanna tell me today? Abbott: I'm tellin' you now. Costello: Then go ahead. Abbott: Tomorrow. Costello: What time? Abbott: What time what? Costello: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's pitching? Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching. Who is on fir- Costello: I'll break your arm if you say Who's on first. I wanna know what's the pitcher's name. Abbott: What's on second. Costello: I don't know. Abbott & Costello: THIRD BASE! Costello: You got a catcher? Abbott: Oh, absolutely. Costello: The catcher's name. Abbott: Today. Costello: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching. Abbott: Now you've got it. Costello: All we've got is a couple of days on the team. Abbott: Well, I can't help that. Costello: Well, I'm a catcher too. Abbott: I know that. Costello: Now suppose that I'm catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and their heavy hitter gets up. Abbott: Yes. Costello: Tomorrow throws the ball. The batter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I wanna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who? Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right. Costello: I don't even know what I'm talkin' about! Abbott: Well, that's all you have to do. Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base. Abbott: Yes. Costello: Now who's got it? Abbott: Naturally! Costello: If I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta catch it. Now who caught it? Abbott: Naturally! Costello: Who caught it? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Who? Abbott: Naturally! Costello: Naturally. Abbott: Yes. Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally. Abbott: NO, NO, NO! You throw the ball to first base and Who gets it? Costello: Naturally. Abbott: That's right. There we go. Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally. Abbott: You don't! Costello: I throw it to who? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! Abbott: You're not saying it that way. Costello: I said I throw the ball to Naturally. Abbott: You don't - you throw the ball to Who? Costello: Naturally! Abbott: Well, say that! Costello: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! I throw the ball to who? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Ask me. Abbott: You throw the ball to Who? Costello: Naturally. Abbott: That's it. Costello: SAME AS YOU!! I throw the ball to first base and who gets it? Abbott: Naturally! Costello: Who has it? Abbott: Naturally! Costello: HE BETTER HAVE IT! I throw the ball to first base. Whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow - triple play. Abbott: Yes. Costello: Another guy gets up - it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know. He's on third and I don't give a darn! Abbott: What was that? Costello: I said I don't give a darn! Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.